TRUE:
THE
TEST--Spent
three days at the San Diego Zoo observing crocodile mating rituals.
FINDINGS--While
I witnessed some pretty violent lovemaking (even by my own standards),
there was not a single occurance of crocodile "freedom"- kissing.
ADDITIONAL--I
never knew me a better time and I guess I never will.
FALSE: Never say never.
THE
TEST: Using my extensive
connections in the entertainment industry, I was able to track down
Three Dog Night vocalist Cory Wells.
FINDINGS: Apparently Jeremiah WAS a bullfrog, and the
reason you never understood a single word he said was that he was perpetually
smashed. "I helped him drink his wine whenever I could," Wells
told me. "but nine times out of ten it was gone before I even got
there. First time I met him, his webbed hands were wrapped around the
bottle in such a way that I thought it said 'Mighty Fine' on the label.
Turns out it actually said 'Night Train'."
ADDITIONAL:
In Austria, where "Beavis and Butthead" is still in heavy
rotation, a particularly drunken evening of baseball is referred to
as a "Three Frog Night."
TRUE:
THE
TEST: As one might
expect, there are a number of highly respected books on this topic.
While this list is hardly exhaustive, it was enough for me to stand
by my final conclusion.
America: Rebels Without
A 'Q'
State: Your Name
Big Bird's Little Book of State Related Alphabet Facts
It's A 'Q' Thing. You Wouldn't Understand
From The Quintucky Coalmines, To The Kalifornia Sun
FINDINGS: While 1 in 5 high school students I asked incorrectly identified Albuquerque as a State (2% of whom also suggested the state of "Connetiquette"), there is nary a Q to be found in the name of any U.S. State.
ADDITIONAL: So, do you still think the War in Iraq is just about oil?
FALSE(sadly):
THE TEST: Changed my noontime power walk destination from the McDonald's on Clairemont Drive (all pavement) to the Del Taco on Balboa Avenue (mostly hard dirt).
FINDINGS: After ten weeks of grueling research, I experienced about a 0% reduction in my weight, and about a 0% reduction in my waistline.
ADDITIONAL FINDINGS: Del Taco accepts coupons from most other fast food chains.
TRUE (duh)
FINDINGS: After observing nearly 50 seperate occurences of rain, here is what I found:
MORNING: Observed frequent rainbow activity.NOON: Rainbow activity undetectable due to glaring sun.
LATE AFTERNOON: Increased sightings of rainbows.
NIGHT: Rainbow activity undetectable due to darkness.
ADDITIONAL FINDINGS: Rainbows are visions, but only illusions and apparantly, rainbows have nothing to hide.
FALSE
(The eye makes an inconsistent number of
movements every second)
FINDINGS: When one eye was observing the other (ie-right eye watches left eye), the observing eye moved on average 48 times per second. When observing itself however (ie-right eyes watches right eye) the average movement fell to only 8 times per second.
ADDITIONAL FINDINGS: Subject had remarkably attractive eyes.
TRUE:
And
not hard to believe if you consider the original design for our
the American flag had the motto "Don't tread on me"
sewn right on it. According to Ben Franklin's journal, 26 slogans
were submitted for consideration (2 from each original colony).
The following list represents the final few which were voted on
by the Congress
"Mind Your Own Business?"
"You
want some of this?"
"What part of 'Liberty' don't you understand?"
"Cent
of Dissent"
"E.
Pluribus Unum? Damn near killed 'em!"
"Y.
I. Outta"
"Give
me liberty or I'll bite your kneecaps off"
"My
other coin is a quarter"
"If
you spend, you must defend"
and
the official runner up:
"Pardon
My 'Freedom' "
FALSE:The
Starfish is the only animal that can turn it's stomach inside
out and live to tell about it.
The
Test: in
hindsight, our methods for proving this were
wrong. Very wrong. Several animals and one street person were
harmed in the process (although technically, by themselves) Our
appologies to God, the ASPCA and any living relatives of Chester
The Tinfoil Guy.
FINDINGS: Really, you don't want to know
ADDITIONAL: Starfish, it turns out, are evil creatures.